// My So-Called Life
A World of Noise and Pain
There are fewer things more irritating at five thirty in the morning than the experience of being rudely awoken by the shrill insistent sound of a car alarm in the street outside.
Things that are more irritating include having the same car alarm being allowed by its owners to continue more or less constantly until about six forty-five.
But an even more irritating experience than that is having all of this go on and then having a nearby flock of wild parakeets take exception to the noise and begin competing with it.
So, given that I am in rather desperate need of beauty sleep at the moment anyway, I currently wish all people who have car alarms a big healthy dose of syphilis and eternal damnation.
You utter, utter bastards.
Posted on August 7, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life, The World we Live In | 0 Comments
Attack of the Binmen
In our last flat we had the luxury of a large communal bin area where we could just dump rubbish on an ongoing basis and not really worry about when it got picked up. (And to be honest I never did really figure out when the council came - it seemed to be very much on an ad-hoc basis, but certainly it was commendably regular).
However, now we find ourselves adjusting to the routine of a weekly pickup again, having to make sure that the recycling is gathered up into the lurid orange bags provided for this purpose, and that the main refuse is dumped down in the whelie bins outside the house.
ANd every Monday morning as I leave for work I am invariably faced with the job of falling over the bin, muttering dark words and putting it back in its place after the collection has happened. Every week I’ve had the same gripe: why can’t the bin men just put it back where they found it?
Today though I left the house to find it in exactly the same place it was left. For a moment I assumed it hadn’t been emptied, but a quick check reassured me on this point and so with a shrug I stepped into the street to head off on my merry way.
Only to discover that everyone else’s bins were as out of place as normal. It was only ours that had been put back in its place.
This strikes me as very odd behaviour. I mean… it’s a very odd way of victimising someone isn’t it?
Posted on August 4, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life | 1 Comment
Morose? What do you mean, morose?
- Sunshine
- Lollipops
- Whiskers on Kittens
Happy now, Northover?
Posted on August 4, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life | 1 Comment
An Odd Competitive Streak
It seems that Boots are now stocking both Female and Male fertility testing kits, which is a development I find somewhat surprising I must say.
What’s worse though is that despite having no interest whatsoever in procreating (or children generally if I’m honest) there’s a part of me that’s now wondering how I’d come out.
Is this just my inner self-loather trying to find another stick to beat myself with or am I developing a competitive streak: “hah! I’m hugely fertile and no you can’t have any!”
I worry myself I really do.
Posted on July 28, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life, The World we Live In | 0 Comments
It’s a Small World
So, we found our new house. Needs a bit of work, admittedly (the painting is in progress) but it’s big and its airy and it has lots of wooden floors - which possibly makes our new living room my dream space.
Our first visit post-contract signing involved a certain amount of “okay, need to deal with that” and removal of clutter, and it was then I discovered the (empty) box of an M&S Easter egg on top of my bedroom cupboard. A Dalek Easter egg no less.
“Ho-ho!” I thought, “We’ve had fans!” And I must say I grinned slightly as I presented this finding to Chris and my Aunt. “It was meant to be!” I proclaimed.
And then, on sorting through the kitchen, aforementioned Aunt discovered a pinny in one of the drawers which seemed even more bizarre. White it was, but with a large TARDIS emblazoned across it. And another one saying “Stuff being princess, I want to be Queen”.
Gay fans then. Definitely home.
Later I found myself building a pile of post for the previous occupants too, thinking “I’ll get rid of that later” and then carried on moving in.
And then a little later there was a chance encounter with a neighbour outside the front door. “The guys who lived there before moved to Australia,” she confided. We smiled and agreed that it was a nice plan, and then we thought no more of it.
Until… well, do you know those moments when you’re not even thinking of something, but suddenly different thoughts rush forwards to occupy the mental space and combine into a sudden realisation? Suddenly it all linked: Who’ers, Gayers, Australia-ers. I knew someone who ticked those boxes and now I came to think of it his surname was one of those on the post I’d sorted.
On returning to the old flat I dug out the Mac and messaged an occasional drinking buddy of mine on Facebook. “Here, Giles” I asked, “You didn’t live at ******* did you?”
Turns out he did. Of all the places in London Chris and I could have chosen to live, it turns out to be the home of a gay, Who-loving friend of mine who has not long vacated the property and I didn’t even know was so local to me. As far as coincidences go I think that’s pretty impressive.
(The move, incidentally, is now complete. It was hellish. I hurt all over and feel thoroughly drained and ill, but we are, at least, in. Now we just have to get it sorted in time to have a housewarming or we’ll never hear the end of it.)
Posted on June 24, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life | 0 Comments
That’s Probably Not What They Mean…
I was in EvilTescoTM just now and whilst idly perusing the cleaning products - well it beats working - I was deeply amused by the name of one of their packs of cleaning wipes.
In fact I involuntarily let out a bark of a laugh which made me quite glad no-one else was around.
“TWO THICK MOPPETS” it said.
My mind immediately wandered to G-A-Y for some reason.
Posted on June 6, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life | 1 Comment
The Glass is Half Empty
This morning I became aware (again, if I’m totally honest) that I really am a glass half empty type of person.
I noticed over the last couple of days that I have been tripping over the bottoms of my jeans. Not in a major way, mind, just finding that they catch my heel occasionally.
And, after a day or so of this, I have finally realized that the problem is they are sliding down because there is now, without a belt, quite a sizeable gap between my waist and that of the jeans.
Now, you’d have thought that - for someone as obsessed with their weight as I am - I could take this as a good thing, a sign that I am well on the way to becoming a buff beach-bronzed Adonis and that maybe I could give myself a pat on the back and adjust my self-image accordingly, wouldn’t you?
But no. My first thought was “oh, bloody hell - I have to buy more sodding jeans”.
On Planet Rob, it seems, every silver lining has a cloud.
Posted on June 2, 2008 | Filed Under Health and Fitness, My So-Called Life | 1 Comment
Closed Language Systems
A closed language system is an interesting thing. You almost certainly use one yourself: it’s basically the phenomenon whereby people in a social group somehow understand each other despite the fact that what they’re saying doesn’t actually *mean* anything and yet somehow (and often against all the odds) you figure out rapidly what that person means.
Case in point - and my aunt really is a master of this sort of statement - “oh, can you go and get me the thingy”.
I’ve lost count of the number of times I have stared blankly at her and tried to figure out what the thing could possibly be, and yet somehow I usually arrive at the right decision and respond accordingly.
Of course, you could sit there and go “well, if she’s about to whisk eggs then she’d logically want you to get the egg whisk” but that’s not quite it. Because my aunt’s mental processes are very rarely routed in whatever’s happening at the time, the context is never immediately apparent. She could just as easily want me to get a screwdriver or an iPod or whatever.
It’s quite an art.
This morning my flatmate demonstrated a knowledge of me which indicates that we too have a genuinely closed language system. Prior to leaving for work he had cause - from a completely different room in the house - to decode a vocalisation of mine which showed he had precisely located the likely events which would lead me to make such a noise.
The noise in question - let loose as I rummaged in my bag looking for my work door pass - can only be expressed in letters as “wuh-hurghh!”
After which there was a noticeable flurry of activity and pause, after which a voice drifted along the hallway from the front room with the simple enquiry: “spider?”
He was spot on.
It seems spider season has begun. Gah!
Posted on June 2, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life, The World we Live In | 0 Comments
Garlic and Shots
Last night, Other Rob and I met up to paint the town a gentle shade of pink and discuss the future of the Vauxhall Griffin quiz which is - if all goes as planned - due a little shakeup.
Thus I found myself standing gormlessly in Frith Street whilst Rob outlined the various culinary options available to us, and we jointly settled - through curiosity mainly - on a visit to Garlic and Shots.
It has to be said that it’s possibly the most baffling and perspective-shifting meal I’ve ever had. The menu is incredibly literal: if it’s not a shot of alcohol it has garlic in it. Lots of garlic. (And even some of the shots have garlic in too.)
We both settled on the beautifully named “Garlic and Chilli Concoction of Beef Meat in a Pan” which turned out to be exactly as described: a large, garlic and chilli heavy splat of meat in a pan with nachos, cheese, a cob of corn and various salady items to take the edge off the spice.
I must confess I’m not sure it justified the price tag, but it was very very good indeed. Washed down with some not unpleasant house white I felt quite replete.
But it was the deserts that finally caught us out. We felt we had to try really, and it was telling that Rob and I simultaneously took a bite of our puddings, paused, and looked each other straight in the eye with that sort of shocked expression you get when you realise you’re further into your overdraft than you thought.
“Yeah,” Rob said, chewing thoughtfully “that’s definitely got garlic in.”
Strange though it sounds, “Cocoa and Butterscotch Garlic Toffee cake” isn’t actually at all unpleasant. In fact it’s really quite nice, it’s just a major struggle to get past the idea that you’re eating a desert which tastes quite identifiably of something you don’t normally have in such quantity.
Or, in the case of the “Garlic Honey Ice Cream with Chocolate Dipped Garlic Cloves”, whole.
Still, I certainly feel richer for the experience and can heartily recommend it - even to my friends. Please do give it a try if you ever have the chance.
(Although it may not be an ideal place to take a date…)
Posted on May 23, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life | 1 Comment
TV Licencing
I am, at this moment, mightily - and irrationally - annoyed with the TV Licensing people.
It’s not that the TV licence itself is a bad thing (if it keeps me in Doctor Who and QI then I’m more than happy to pay it) but that the TV Licensing organisation is apparently run by idiots.
We have, naturally enough, a TV licence. However, it is - as it has been since before I moved in with him - in the flatmate’s name and we have seen no reason to change this whatsoever.
But over the last year I have had no fewer than five letters from TV Licensing demanding that I get a TV licence because I’ve purchased some piece of equipment (the last one being a freeview box) and they have no record of me having a licence at this address.
And each time I have responded with a telephone call pointing out the existing licence code which covers our house and they have gone “oh, okay” and shut up for a bit.
But because of the Freeview box I have had yet another letter and I have to admit I’ve kind of got fed up with them. Perhaps it’s because I’m in a sort of computers and database solutions capacity myself but I honestly don’t understand why they find it so difficult to remember that someone else is linked to the address. All it would take would be a couple of additional fields in the database, after all.
But no, apparently it’s easier to assume everyone’s a criminal and treat them as such, which kind of annoys the merry heck out of me.
I feel a little persecuted to be honest and suspect I am dangerously close to being very ratty next time I ring them up…
Posted on May 22, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life | 0 Comments