To: Marjorie Bathsheba Catheter Jodrell-Bentley
Subject: An Urgent Change of Circumstance
I feel it my sad duty to inform you that it is most likely Miss Twigham may, despite our best efforts, be attending our proposed outing on Saturday. One can only hope that this will not be the case, but it appears that she has evaded her captors and is even now returning with extreme haste to the area. Needless to say we are quite disturbed by the news, not least Mrs Frapschott-Marsh who had vouched of the organisation's efficiency only a few months earlier.
You may remember that her acquaintance with them had proved to be remarkably profitable in relation to the matter of the perpetually unfaithful Mr Frapschott-Marsh. In that particular case the outcome was that the gentleman spent his last few days showing very little inclination to stray - indeed I seem to recall that he refused to leave the confines of the broom cupboard. It was of course the three bottles of Febreze which did for him in the end (although one can only guess at how he managed to use the syringes in the dark).
In contrast Miss Twigham, seems to have been quite revived by the experience and, judging by the police report, discovered one or two unconventional arrangements for horse and heather which, in this respect, suggests that the captors methods rather backfired on them.
Naturally if Miss Twigham does insist on accompanying us this health spa I will insist that she checks herself thoroughly for any misplaced fronds prior to disrobing.
Clearly, given the distressing nature of the experiences she has suffered, not to say inflicted, it would be inhumane to forbid her attendance at this reviving event. One cannot help but wish, however, that she had bitten through the straps after the weekend and not before.
Obviously given the circumstances I will be instructing Miss Totteridge to leave the champagne for another occasion.
Despite this minor setback my members and I are looking forward to the weekend with great enthusiasm.
Sarah-Jane Chlamydia Rossington-Smythe.
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