Horoscopes

Come and enter the world of tomorrow with your guide to (and, one suspects, cause of) the paranormal: Ms. Alice Cailleach Zimmer.

Watch, dumbfounded, as she stands and lifts the veil...

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Clothing matters to you at the moment, so now is the time to shop. You'll be drawn towards anything reasonable in men's trousers so be more tolerant and less superficial. Perhaps Yoga could help - it worked for Geri Halliwell.

Fate comes wearing a Lycra boob tube.
Luck comes in the form of the death of a favourite relative.
Don't Forget: to ignore Fate's social faux pas.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
There is much activity in your sign this month as the warlike Mars enters Uranus, stirring things up no end. Exert some caution in your dealings - especially with venomous creatures like spiders, scorpions and gay solicitors.

Fate comes with a golden clasp on its handbag.
Luck is stuck at home doing the ironing.
Don't Forget: that dreadlocks are most unseemly below the belt.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Mercury sidles up to your bedroom, so be prepared to prevent his premature entry. You may be inclined to lock the door and put a tripwire over the top step but be warned: he's a slippery customer.

Fate comes wearing Inland Revenue underwear.
Luck would have it.
Don't Forget: you may have hidden superglue in the KY.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Jupiter is usually the planet of expansion, but now he comes knocking at your door with chocolates of misinformation and tempting you with lard butties of mystery.

Fate wears a camel coloured coat.
Luck comes in the form of an old school friend.
Don't Forget: to steer clear of any camels you didn't go to school with.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
The sun is crossing your pivotal point, and sending shivers up your left leg. Put an elastic band round the knee to stop it happening again.

Fate is represented by collapsed scaffolding.
Luck is having sharp words with your tailor.
Don't Forget: if you have poor circulation, try sticky tape instead.
Virgo (July 23-August 22)
Thanks to Neptune you're far too sensitive at the moment, and there's a damp patch on the carpet where he didn't wipe his wellies. But never mind, your intuitive and enquiring nature will lead to some rewarding moments with a tube of epoxy resin.

Fate spins wildly out of control.
Luck says he'll drive next time.
Don't Forget: butter doesn't suit its works.
Libra (September 23-October 22)

Every time someone takes a photo, you don't seem to be in it. You need to expose yourself far more often. There's a nasty tendency towards sepia, but a good strong j-cloth should sort that out.

Fate suggests a side order of vegetables.
Luck has an amusing incident with a loo-block.
Don't Forget: being taken from behind doesn't count. Get your face in shot.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Sometimes a thing rears up that is far too hard when all you want to do is let it all wash over you. There's nothing wrong with that attitude, but apathy butters no parsnips. Take matters in hand now and you should be able to relax later with a smile on your face.

Fate is considering a move to the country.
Luck is glowering and suggesting Israel.
Don't Forget: Honey is just congealed bee spit.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Swapping the bow and arrow for that nice new pulse rifle may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but people keep staring at you when you polish it in public. Maybe the time is right to put the safety on.

Fate is brought to you by the letters G, Q and Z.
Luck guarantees a high score in Scrabble.
Don't Forget: to find a concealed place for your weapon.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Jupiter is currently rampant, bringing with him a roller coaster tidal wave of bile and out-of-date lighter fluid. You are gagging to pay someone lip service, but it may pay to be a little more probing first.

Fate comes bearing 1oz of butter and a litre of strawberry yoghurt.
Luck says he'd have preferred flowers.
Don't Forget: to sterilise before putting them back in.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Keeping an open mind is all very well, but your brain is starting to leak out of your ears. Keep it in by fashioning earplugs from candle wax and singing "The Locomotion" when people try to tell you things.

Fate has not rewound any of the videos he has returned.
Luck is trying not to mention it.
Don't Forget: you should never pick your nose with a carving knife.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
The domestic angle of your chart is receiving much planetary action this month and compromises are your forte. Which means you must get out there and be more assertive if you wish to avoid being a boring old fart.

Fate returns his door keys, but has bent them so they won't fit any more.
Luck has changed the locks anyway.
Don't Forget: to check the Rozzers aren't about first.

Note: The editors refuse to take any responsibility for any eventualities resulting from following Gypsy Rose Zimmer's advice.

 

© Rob Morris and Daniel Northover 2001 - 2004. A ShiteFantastic Website. The content of this site is a work of fiction and is not intended in any way to suggest that the behaviour of the characters is realistic or in any way condoned by any of the establishments which may be mentioned in the context of the story. Equally any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. (Not to mention somewhat disturbing.)